Ben! This was fantastic. I live alone and have been wrestling with the opportunities and challenges of hosting from both a logistical and financial level, but particularly an emotional and ego level. What you’re exploring here was particularly helpful to me! And so timely; I’m hosting two friends tonight haha. One of the greatest compliments I’ve ever received was when a friend told me that being hosted in my apartment for the weekend felt like being in a version of home she had been homesick for. I didn’t do anything special, but perhaps it was the idea you present in your conclusion here: “I try to think about hosting as something to offer up to God rather than something grand that I am doing. For my guests, I hope to carve out a very human space in a dehumanizing culture. And for myself, I accept that my ego will take some body blows. It’s not always pleasant, but like any hard experience, there are also moments of joy, growth, and satisfaction at a job well done.”
Everyone will have to suss out what their community norms are, but you don't necessarily need to do anything fancy. Smaller spaces heighten energy, and it doesn't take a ton of supplies for a party.
Even if you host someone in a larger house, most people won't eat or drink much, and a large group standing in a small room makes the party feel exciting and in-demand. So your situation is not all bad!
Great thoughts here, Ben! I think part of the reason so little hosting/hospitality is happening right now is because it is *so difficult* to be the first one to step outside the current norm (which is often zero social events with neighbors) and make an invitation/host a gathering. But once that initial barrier is broken, everything becomes easier.
Yes! And I didn't want to get too inside baseball, but it does get easier over time if you stick with it. Getting started is the hardest/most uncomfortable part.
Excellent thoughts and well worth thinking about. Our culture is still working its way out of the hangover of covid-era social distancing; it is also still in the thrall of all those "entertaining" and etiquette guides which were popular throughout the early- and mid-twentieth century. I suspect that people need to feel like they are welcome because of who they are, not because they are needed to fill out a body count at a party or even because hosting is important to combat the loneliness epidemic. That's tough, and as you mentioned, different communities will have different expectations.
I'm always impressed by how the characters in Dostoevsky's novels can start a deep philosophical discussion only a few minutes after meeting. For me, that is one of my hosting goals: to make a space where people are comfortable going into the big, deep, serious questions. Can't say I'm always successful, though . . .
The other goal for me is making a place kid-friendly. I know a lot of couples with small children and they need to know that it's okay if, when their kids come over, the house gets messy. So I have all our kids' toys right in the living room as an invitation for them to let their kids have a good time playing.
I sat up when I saw your post. I think we all have experiences that range from sad to bad when it comes to hosting! It also seems such a dated idea in some ways as we have chosen in suburbia to live in greater disconnection. Thanks for connecting many good concerns together in the post. I just wanna share that what has helped me most has been mulling over how God is the Real Host, all of the time. From the very breath we have, to the tilt of the earth and all of our experiences and opportunities, how transformative and freeing and at the same time challenging it will be to conceive that God is always present, at the head of the table and serving us.
I think I was much more hospitable when I was even more awkward and broke, when I was single. But I'm definitely a Chiller when it comes to in-person events, and my husband is a Planner, so that probably makes a difference. My Chiller mode also doesn't help me when I'm trying to host an online gathering that has an actual point/goal.
Great article. I’m not sure though whether suburbs reflect consumer demand or whether they reflect longstanding structural issues that are very difficult to change. If you look at house prices near city centers, they are simply unaffordable for 90% of people. The suburbs become the only option for most ppl looking for an affordable and relatively safe place to live.
The suburbs then seem to isolate ppl more and more. But it is sort of a chicken and egg situation in my view.
interesting, suburbia thought can be more hospitable if people weren't so wary. Cities can be places of fast connection, but the loneliness seems very epidemic.
I came across the "Scruffy Hospitality" writing early in our young family years and am STILL so grateful for the permission to have friends and neighbors stop in and just be together no matter what our space looks like. At the same time, I appreciate the motions of preparation, cleaning, and required thoughtfulness when I can make the extra push to clean more and pay attention to details before we host small groups and have families over for supper. When I can put more work into it, I try to be intentional about praying over guests and getting my children involved in the details so they know why we are doing what we're doing. It's all been an exercise in just offering what I can with the time and space I have for that day, praying that God will be honored with whatever we can provide by way of hospitality for others. And I have found that some people feel blessed and relaxed in a tidy space with lots of attention to detail while others thank for me not removing all evidence of the three year old chaos because they feel more at home. It seems that God always provides me with exactly the time and allowances that day to bless the specific individuals we are welcoming in.
Ben! This was fantastic. I live alone and have been wrestling with the opportunities and challenges of hosting from both a logistical and financial level, but particularly an emotional and ego level. What you’re exploring here was particularly helpful to me! And so timely; I’m hosting two friends tonight haha. One of the greatest compliments I’ve ever received was when a friend told me that being hosted in my apartment for the weekend felt like being in a version of home she had been homesick for. I didn’t do anything special, but perhaps it was the idea you present in your conclusion here: “I try to think about hosting as something to offer up to God rather than something grand that I am doing. For my guests, I hope to carve out a very human space in a dehumanizing culture. And for myself, I accept that my ego will take some body blows. It’s not always pleasant, but like any hard experience, there are also moments of joy, growth, and satisfaction at a job well done.”
Thank you for this!
Everyone will have to suss out what their community norms are, but you don't necessarily need to do anything fancy. Smaller spaces heighten energy, and it doesn't take a ton of supplies for a party.
Even if you host someone in a larger house, most people won't eat or drink much, and a large group standing in a small room makes the party feel exciting and in-demand. So your situation is not all bad!
isn't it strangely wonderful, and so needed in our world today - to be able to offer a sense of home?
Great thoughts here, Ben! I think part of the reason so little hosting/hospitality is happening right now is because it is *so difficult* to be the first one to step outside the current norm (which is often zero social events with neighbors) and make an invitation/host a gathering. But once that initial barrier is broken, everything becomes easier.
Yes! And I didn't want to get too inside baseball, but it does get easier over time if you stick with it. Getting started is the hardest/most uncomfortable part.
Excellent thoughts and well worth thinking about. Our culture is still working its way out of the hangover of covid-era social distancing; it is also still in the thrall of all those "entertaining" and etiquette guides which were popular throughout the early- and mid-twentieth century. I suspect that people need to feel like they are welcome because of who they are, not because they are needed to fill out a body count at a party or even because hosting is important to combat the loneliness epidemic. That's tough, and as you mentioned, different communities will have different expectations.
I'm always impressed by how the characters in Dostoevsky's novels can start a deep philosophical discussion only a few minutes after meeting. For me, that is one of my hosting goals: to make a space where people are comfortable going into the big, deep, serious questions. Can't say I'm always successful, though . . .
The other goal for me is making a place kid-friendly. I know a lot of couples with small children and they need to know that it's okay if, when their kids come over, the house gets messy. So I have all our kids' toys right in the living room as an invitation for them to let their kids have a good time playing.
I sat up when I saw your post. I think we all have experiences that range from sad to bad when it comes to hosting! It also seems such a dated idea in some ways as we have chosen in suburbia to live in greater disconnection. Thanks for connecting many good concerns together in the post. I just wanna share that what has helped me most has been mulling over how God is the Real Host, all of the time. From the very breath we have, to the tilt of the earth and all of our experiences and opportunities, how transformative and freeing and at the same time challenging it will be to conceive that God is always present, at the head of the table and serving us.
very thought-provoking
I think I was much more hospitable when I was even more awkward and broke, when I was single. But I'm definitely a Chiller when it comes to in-person events, and my husband is a Planner, so that probably makes a difference. My Chiller mode also doesn't help me when I'm trying to host an online gathering that has an actual point/goal.
Thanks for writing this.
Great piece!
Great article. I’m not sure though whether suburbs reflect consumer demand or whether they reflect longstanding structural issues that are very difficult to change. If you look at house prices near city centers, they are simply unaffordable for 90% of people. The suburbs become the only option for most ppl looking for an affordable and relatively safe place to live.
The suburbs then seem to isolate ppl more and more. But it is sort of a chicken and egg situation in my view.
interesting, suburbia thought can be more hospitable if people weren't so wary. Cities can be places of fast connection, but the loneliness seems very epidemic.
I came across the "Scruffy Hospitality" writing early in our young family years and am STILL so grateful for the permission to have friends and neighbors stop in and just be together no matter what our space looks like. At the same time, I appreciate the motions of preparation, cleaning, and required thoughtfulness when I can make the extra push to clean more and pay attention to details before we host small groups and have families over for supper. When I can put more work into it, I try to be intentional about praying over guests and getting my children involved in the details so they know why we are doing what we're doing. It's all been an exercise in just offering what I can with the time and space I have for that day, praying that God will be honored with whatever we can provide by way of hospitality for others. And I have found that some people feel blessed and relaxed in a tidy space with lots of attention to detail while others thank for me not removing all evidence of the three year old chaos because they feel more at home. It seems that God always provides me with exactly the time and allowances that day to bless the specific individuals we are welcoming in.