"But in my best moments—when New York feels like a foretaste of the heavenly city to come—I am so grateful for all the people. For this “density of the Imago Dei”: every street corner and restaurant and bus and taxi and jammed subway burning bright with splendorous facets of our shared Creator."
This was a beautiful essay. I lived through a decade of panic disorder in Los Angeles during my twenties (I'm now almost 74). I found then, and still today, how soothing others can be. There's a story in the Bible that really helped me when I felt guilt about what I thought was not trusting. God enough. When Gideon was afraid to trust what God was directly telling him to do, God told him that if he is afraid to do it, take along his servant. Wow. God didn't chastise him for his fear. That really opened me up.
That is a wonderful reminder — I’ve never thought about that story in the context of panic/anxiety, but I will from now on. Friends are such gifts from God!
Yes...all the "fear not" passages. used to make me feel guilty. I thought that to need help from a human (friend or therapist) meant I was failing God. Then I read that story and it changed everything.
Beautifully written. Although Tampa is not NYC, I too have felt lost in the city in my twenties and struggled with generalized anxiety disorder. Love, friendship, and faith saved me.
I thought the jump from the Styrofoam cups to the Eucharist was surprising and nice. I cringed a little bit at the casualness of your spot on description of a Protestant service’s beginning moments, but later felt at ease, to be honest, when you called the wine “blood”…! I opine that the enchanted sacramenrality of Catholic actants inherently lends itself to great-er literary aesthetics.
I loved the way Audrey pulled open her heart to let us see the real her. Panic attacks are frightening. I'm glad to see her getting back on the subways. How comforting is the promise that God will never leave us, whether we're in the crush of the city or in solitude on the vast Texas plains.
Thank you, Wes. Sometimes getting on the subway feels like ho-hum routine, but other times it still feels like a small act of faith. Either way, I find commuting a great chance to pray for the people sitting near me and remind myself that I’m in a car packed with people so beloved by our shared Creator 💛
Your essay resonated well with me. The initial adventure of exploring new places wears thin when you have no one to share it with. I have had a similar expetiences leaving the known home in Africa to living and working in England not knowing a soul and then in Washington DC where I still struggle in making new friends.
Yes, it’s wild how the shine of a new adventure can fade once roots are put down, or even just when the reality of paying bills and going to the grocery store kicks in. Praying you find soul friends in DC who help make the city feel like home 🫶
This was wonderful, and written so beautifully!! I remember a moment I had exactly like the one you describe, looking in that West Village window, except mine occurred while walking past a Pizza Express when I had just moved to Scotland for grad school. It seemed like such a simple and pathetic thing, to feel like I didn't yet have a single soul I could call upon to eat mid-tier pizza with. I'm so glad we both made it through to the other side of those lonely times!!
The longing to eat even a greasy slice with another soul is SO real. It’s crazy how the longing can feel like real physical pain! Thank God for friends we can break bread (or pizza crust) with 🫶
This piece is gorgeous! I, too, took many lonely walks up and down Fifth avenue and around the park my first few years in New York. Very cool to realize it’s a path I walked in good company. The Lord is always faithful and he filled my life with wonderful people when I needed it most as well. ❤️🩹
Yes! It’s crazy how some solo walks in the city can feel like wonderful solitude, and others can feel like terrible loneliness. What a gift when we can walk alongside another if we want to 🫶
Wonderful, I have been there and never heard so brave a story. May all your world be open plains, blue skies, heavenly breezes with cicadas softly sounding, no matter where you are.
Reading this on a solo morning in NYC before my flight back to Nashville felt even more impactful! Beautifully written and really relatable to anyone who’s moved to a city alone before.
"But in my best moments—when New York feels like a foretaste of the heavenly city to come—I am so grateful for all the people. For this “density of the Imago Dei”: every street corner and restaurant and bus and taxi and jammed subway burning bright with splendorous facets of our shared Creator."
Love this part especially! This was what I was trying to get at in my poem 'urban revival project' for Ekstasis a little while back: https://www.ekstasismagazine.com/poetry/2025/urban-revival-project
Glad to see works talking to each other in this way.
A gorgeous poem you wrote that I will return to again and again! Probably on a subway or packed city bus :)
Likewise to this essay of yours. I'm not naturally a city person, but getting used to being in a big one too!
This was a beautiful essay. I lived through a decade of panic disorder in Los Angeles during my twenties (I'm now almost 74). I found then, and still today, how soothing others can be. There's a story in the Bible that really helped me when I felt guilt about what I thought was not trusting. God enough. When Gideon was afraid to trust what God was directly telling him to do, God told him that if he is afraid to do it, take along his servant. Wow. God didn't chastise him for his fear. That really opened me up.
That is a wonderful reminder — I’ve never thought about that story in the context of panic/anxiety, but I will from now on. Friends are such gifts from God!
Yes...all the "fear not" passages. used to make me feel guilty. I thought that to need help from a human (friend or therapist) meant I was failing God. Then I read that story and it changed everything.
Beautifully written. Although Tampa is not NYC, I too have felt lost in the city in my twenties and struggled with generalized anxiety disorder. Love, friendship, and faith saved me.
The more I live, the more it seems that the opposite of fear is not necessarily peace, but love 💛
I thought the jump from the Styrofoam cups to the Eucharist was surprising and nice. I cringed a little bit at the casualness of your spot on description of a Protestant service’s beginning moments, but later felt at ease, to be honest, when you called the wine “blood”…! I opine that the enchanted sacramenrality of Catholic actants inherently lends itself to great-er literary aesthetics.
I agree Russell — the violent weight of that moment would’ve been a lot different with just grape juice :)
Audrey this is SO SO GOOD. SO GOOD. I cannot say it enough.
Thank you, Alicia! Your encouragement is always so generous 🥹
I loved the way Audrey pulled open her heart to let us see the real her. Panic attacks are frightening. I'm glad to see her getting back on the subways. How comforting is the promise that God will never leave us, whether we're in the crush of the city or in solitude on the vast Texas plains.
Thank you, Wes. Sometimes getting on the subway feels like ho-hum routine, but other times it still feels like a small act of faith. Either way, I find commuting a great chance to pray for the people sitting near me and remind myself that I’m in a car packed with people so beloved by our shared Creator 💛
Your essay resonated well with me. The initial adventure of exploring new places wears thin when you have no one to share it with. I have had a similar expetiences leaving the known home in Africa to living and working in England not knowing a soul and then in Washington DC where I still struggle in making new friends.
Yes, it’s wild how the shine of a new adventure can fade once roots are put down, or even just when the reality of paying bills and going to the grocery store kicks in. Praying you find soul friends in DC who help make the city feel like home 🫶
This was wonderful, and written so beautifully!! I remember a moment I had exactly like the one you describe, looking in that West Village window, except mine occurred while walking past a Pizza Express when I had just moved to Scotland for grad school. It seemed like such a simple and pathetic thing, to feel like I didn't yet have a single soul I could call upon to eat mid-tier pizza with. I'm so glad we both made it through to the other side of those lonely times!!
The longing to eat even a greasy slice with another soul is SO real. It’s crazy how the longing can feel like real physical pain! Thank God for friends we can break bread (or pizza crust) with 🫶
This piece is gorgeous! I, too, took many lonely walks up and down Fifth avenue and around the park my first few years in New York. Very cool to realize it’s a path I walked in good company. The Lord is always faithful and he filled my life with wonderful people when I needed it most as well. ❤️🩹
Yes! It’s crazy how some solo walks in the city can feel like wonderful solitude, and others can feel like terrible loneliness. What a gift when we can walk alongside another if we want to 🫶
Been there! Thank you for your beautifully redemptive account. And it makes me miss NYC!
Thank you for reading and though I am sad the panic is relatable, it is such a comfort to know we’re not alone 🫶
Indeed!
Wonderful, I have been there and never heard so brave a story. May all your world be open plains, blue skies, heavenly breezes with cicadas softly sounding, no matter where you are.
This beautiful blessing made my eyes well up this morning. Thank you! 🥹
Reading this on a solo morning in NYC before my flight back to Nashville felt even more impactful! Beautifully written and really relatable to anyone who’s moved to a city alone before.
Nothing quite like a solo morning in the city! Thank you so much for reading 🫶