Every time we move, I feel how challenging it is to get the social machine moving again. Inertia is powerful, but it can make life easy and mindless. Finding your people in a new city takes intention. I frequently feel pesky. Perhaps being a bit of a nuisance is what it takes to insert ourselves into the already established rhythms of others? It is easier in transient cities, where other newbies are also looking for people with whom to spend the holidays. In order to make friends, you have to reach out far more than is comfortable. I probably wouldn't do it for myself, but with children in tow, I grit my teeth and swap numbers with other parents like someone is paying me to bulk up my contacts. With practice though, we can normalize almost anything.
Thank you Peter. At the age of 85 I reflect on many things. I have a foto of my wife and me standing out side of the KiIns, the home of c s lewis. It always reminds me of his custom of taking a hour at the start of every day to write letters to many, including children. It spurs me to communicate.. blessings, chuck keortge
That was such a good (and eye opening) read, Peter. I have felt those same feelings of isolation and being "ok" with it. I have felt lonely and thought more about how people aren't reaching out to me rather than how I'm not reaching out to people. I've felt satisfied with my online connections and enjoyed not having anywhere to actually "be." Recently, I realized this. I made a coffee date and a dinner date and I am determined to "be the friend I want to have." Loved and restacked.
Oh yeah. I can’t wait to see what you write in twenty years. I know these thoughts and feelings so well (except technology wasn’t quite yet Technology when I graduated uni in 2002). I feel versions of them constantly. I found myself envying you your proximity to that college experience. I would love to hear your thoughts when it’s a distant-but-always-realer-than-life memory. (Could you send it back to 2025 when you do write it? I can’t wait that long for answers.)
Volunteering has helped me to connect with others and keep up my Spanish language skills. I am a retired teacher. Once a week I teach English to Hispanic adults at a church. I recently published a book of inspirational poetry through WestBow Press titled Anthem of the Leaves. Next to each poem is a Spanish translation. I gave a signed copy to each of my students and to the program coordinator. When you give, you receive.
I remember people telling me in college that "making friends is harder after you graduate." I didn't believe them then, but I know it now! Establishing friendships outside of the small-village closeness of a college campus means reaching out, scheduling, and risking rejection over and over.
"Whatever obstacles there are to community, I realized that connecting deeply with other people must entail commitment—it takes effort and you have to sign up for the long haul." I definitely agree. I would add that busyness and tiredness make it very hard to keep up those commitments. Almost anything can derail you from attending those initital community-building opportunities like weekly small group, Bible study, ministry, etc. - sickness, travel, work, exhaustion, or family needs. But it's worth it to keep trying.
lets go. this is the beauty of the christian community to me, and its pitfall. is the community created thriving? does it draw in life? (my love for schaeffer's l'abri comes from this void). John Eldridge has a platform where you can attend/host a campfire with other men. intriguing. blessings brother.
Excellent and well-put; thank you! "Treating the real people in front of me as somehow less vital than the online avatars out in the ether" — it's all too easy for me to not give of myself to the people right next to me, whether they are sitting in the next row in church or living in the next house in my neighborhood. I often and regrettably de-prioritize interacting with people such as the grocery store checkout clerk; that's something I'm trying to work against.
Have you read a book called "Relationships: a Mess Worth Making" by Paul Tripp and Tim Lane? Definitely worth looking into in this context.
Very stimulating article. I wonder about this time of transition in consciousness that we're undergoing across the world from an individual consciousness to a global consciousness, if the culture wars are really consciousness wars. I'm rereading CHRIST OF THE 21ST CENTURY by religion/theoligy scholar Ewert Cousins, who was director of a NEH summer seminar on "The Mystical Journey" I was part of in 1987. I wonder if our experience of God and Christ expanded, would we expand? Hence, know we're part of all that is around us rather than separate from. Thank you for this deep article.
I am 70+ a long wsy from my college years! But the problems remain the same about forming deep and lastin frirndships! I still have friends from primary school and college days scattererd over the face of the globe.
I think we have grown fearful of connection. No longer do we smile or greet strsngers but keep our heads burried in our tchnology of choice with ears plugged into somewhere else.
How about we all just become present whereever we are, smile at people greet them and acknowledge their existance. We may well find there are plenty of friends just waiting for someone to wake them up too!
Thank you for this. I happen to teach at another liberal arts college that promotes (indeed, curates) a strong community, but I wonder how well we are preparing students for the transition to what we quaintly call "the real world."
Every time we move, I feel how challenging it is to get the social machine moving again. Inertia is powerful, but it can make life easy and mindless. Finding your people in a new city takes intention. I frequently feel pesky. Perhaps being a bit of a nuisance is what it takes to insert ourselves into the already established rhythms of others? It is easier in transient cities, where other newbies are also looking for people with whom to spend the holidays. In order to make friends, you have to reach out far more than is comfortable. I probably wouldn't do it for myself, but with children in tow, I grit my teeth and swap numbers with other parents like someone is paying me to bulk up my contacts. With practice though, we can normalize almost anything.
Thank you Peter. At the age of 85 I reflect on many things. I have a foto of my wife and me standing out side of the KiIns, the home of c s lewis. It always reminds me of his custom of taking a hour at the start of every day to write letters to many, including children. It spurs me to communicate.. blessings, chuck keortge
As a semi-recent college grad (2019), I felt this deeply. Thanks for sharing!
That was such a good (and eye opening) read, Peter. I have felt those same feelings of isolation and being "ok" with it. I have felt lonely and thought more about how people aren't reaching out to me rather than how I'm not reaching out to people. I've felt satisfied with my online connections and enjoyed not having anywhere to actually "be." Recently, I realized this. I made a coffee date and a dinner date and I am determined to "be the friend I want to have." Loved and restacked.
As a recent college grad this hits hard—thank for doing the hard work of reflecting and writing, Peter.
So relatable and thought provoking, thank you.
Oh yeah. I can’t wait to see what you write in twenty years. I know these thoughts and feelings so well (except technology wasn’t quite yet Technology when I graduated uni in 2002). I feel versions of them constantly. I found myself envying you your proximity to that college experience. I would love to hear your thoughts when it’s a distant-but-always-realer-than-life memory. (Could you send it back to 2025 when you do write it? I can’t wait that long for answers.)
Volunteering has helped me to connect with others and keep up my Spanish language skills. I am a retired teacher. Once a week I teach English to Hispanic adults at a church. I recently published a book of inspirational poetry through WestBow Press titled Anthem of the Leaves. Next to each poem is a Spanish translation. I gave a signed copy to each of my students and to the program coordinator. When you give, you receive.
I agree with all that you said. I can relate completely. Thanks for writing this piece.
I remember people telling me in college that "making friends is harder after you graduate." I didn't believe them then, but I know it now! Establishing friendships outside of the small-village closeness of a college campus means reaching out, scheduling, and risking rejection over and over.
"Whatever obstacles there are to community, I realized that connecting deeply with other people must entail commitment—it takes effort and you have to sign up for the long haul." I definitely agree. I would add that busyness and tiredness make it very hard to keep up those commitments. Almost anything can derail you from attending those initital community-building opportunities like weekly small group, Bible study, ministry, etc. - sickness, travel, work, exhaustion, or family needs. But it's worth it to keep trying.
very good article - well done Peter.
lets go. this is the beauty of the christian community to me, and its pitfall. is the community created thriving? does it draw in life? (my love for schaeffer's l'abri comes from this void). John Eldridge has a platform where you can attend/host a campfire with other men. intriguing. blessings brother.
Excellent and well-put; thank you! "Treating the real people in front of me as somehow less vital than the online avatars out in the ether" — it's all too easy for me to not give of myself to the people right next to me, whether they are sitting in the next row in church or living in the next house in my neighborhood. I often and regrettably de-prioritize interacting with people such as the grocery store checkout clerk; that's something I'm trying to work against.
Have you read a book called "Relationships: a Mess Worth Making" by Paul Tripp and Tim Lane? Definitely worth looking into in this context.
Very stimulating article. I wonder about this time of transition in consciousness that we're undergoing across the world from an individual consciousness to a global consciousness, if the culture wars are really consciousness wars. I'm rereading CHRIST OF THE 21ST CENTURY by religion/theoligy scholar Ewert Cousins, who was director of a NEH summer seminar on "The Mystical Journey" I was part of in 1987. I wonder if our experience of God and Christ expanded, would we expand? Hence, know we're part of all that is around us rather than separate from. Thank you for this deep article.
I am 70+ a long wsy from my college years! But the problems remain the same about forming deep and lastin frirndships! I still have friends from primary school and college days scattererd over the face of the globe.
I think we have grown fearful of connection. No longer do we smile or greet strsngers but keep our heads burried in our tchnology of choice with ears plugged into somewhere else.
How about we all just become present whereever we are, smile at people greet them and acknowledge their existance. We may well find there are plenty of friends just waiting for someone to wake them up too!
Thank you for this. I happen to teach at another liberal arts college that promotes (indeed, curates) a strong community, but I wonder how well we are preparing students for the transition to what we quaintly call "the real world."